ne molchi!

happy news.

2008-12-30T22:22:00.002-05:00

So I'm a very excited woman. I lost 1.8 pounds, bringing me to 181.2 pounds. I'm very pleased! If I stick to it really well this week, then I'll hopefully go under 180 pounds. I aim for anything below that for this next goal. I'm really proud of myself.

1.8 pounds may sound small to some people, but in reality, this is a big step. I'm almost 2 pounds closer to my goal, and soon enough, if I play my cards right, I'll be at goal weight and feeling better about myself than I ever have. I grew up at a decent weight until I was maybe 8 or 9. At that point, I started gaining and became overweight. I never really did much about it, and my mother tried so hard to get me to join Weight Watchers around when I was 12. I lost 12 pounds, but I never stuck to it. This is maybe my 7-8th time joining, but I don't care. The point is, I'm back, and I plan on staying. Personally, I'm sick of cringing every time I take a picture of myself or see pictures people have taken. I know how others feel about my appearance, I just don't feel that way about myself. I want to get to the point where I finally feel good about myself. I'm proud of the person I've become, but I think I could use some self-esteem, especially about my body. I appreciate my curves and love them, but I shouldn't have all this weight holding me down. I won't let it keep me down any longer. If my aunt can lose over 100 pounds and my mother lose all the weight she lost, then I can too.

Until next week, everyone! :)

new start.

2008-12-20T13:58:00.003-05:00

For the millionth time, I've joined Weight Watchers again.

I weighed in today for the first time since June, and I only gained 2.2 pounds since then. I'm 183 pounds right now.

I'm kind of wondering why I kept quitting all those times. I've been going in and out of Weight Watchers since I was 12. I think this is my 7th time coming back. It's kind of funny. I've just now realized that I CAN do this. It's going to be difficult, sure, but it's not something that's out of my reach. My big goal overall is to get to about 135-140 pounds. That's between 43 and 48 pounds. That's a lot, but it's not impossible. My aunt lost over 100 pounds about 30 years ago doing Weight Watchers. Back then, it was a much more difficult plan. They actually did not let you eat certain foods. Now, they let you eat whatever you want, but the trick is to watch portions.

Right now, I plan on losing 5% of my current weight, which would bring me to 173.8 pounds. That's 9.2 pounds. My next goal is 10% of my starting weight, which is 18.3 pounds. That would bring me to 164.7 pounds. I was about that weight last time I was in WW. I had lost about 25 pounds over the course of a year, but then I gained most of it back. My total loss now, from when I started about a year and a half or so ago to now, is 12.8 pounds. That's still really good, considering I haven't been keeping track or participating in WW since June. I think I'm at a really good starting point here.

I need to do this. Not only for my physical health, but my mental and emotional health. I'm not proud of myself. I'm not happy with who I am right now. I hate looking at my friends who look amazing and worked hard for it, and feeling like I failed. I despise the feeling that I'm not beautiful enough or attractive enough. I'm a decent person; I'm not horrible, but I'm not fantastically amazing either. I think I'm a good person to be around, and I wish looks didn't matter. But, they do, and this is a SMALL yet one of the reasons why I want to change.

This is going to happen. My life will change. Starting now.

random thoughts and updates.

2008-12-02T23:30:00.003-05:00

Hey folks.

So, I haven't updated in a while. I'm sorry; I've been quite busy with school and such. Even as I type this I really should be doing my lesson plans due on Thursday. But, alas, I work better the night before. Usually. Let's hope I can actually get it all done though tomorrow, eh?

Life's been crazy. School has really been driving me into the ground, friends have been coming and going (more going than anything) and I've been dealing with random drama. It's really frustrating, and I've been slightly depressed lately. Like, really depressed. But, you know, life goes on. No matter how difficult things can become, you have to pick up the pieces and keep going. Life's too short to just sit around and wait for things to work out or run away from your problems. The problems will only arise again and you'll have to face them. I've had to really learn how to do that over the years. I've been walked all over, deceived, and downright dropped like a hat. Life has to go on. I can't keep chasing the past. The past is past.

I lost a friend in the last week. I was extremely depressed about it, and I wondered what I had done wrong. I looked back constantly, replaying conversations and events in my mind that might have affected his decision to completely eliminate me from his life without a warning or goodbye. It hurt me to think that I may have not been at fault at all, and that his girlfriend or someone influenced him to do what he'd done. I still am confused even now as to what the cause could have been. I never talked to his girlfriend, and his sister even deleted me off her Facebook friends. It didn't make sense, and it still doesn't. But, alas, I'm still chasing a past. I want him to be the same guy I knew since I was a kid, still the same person for whom I always cared. It broke my heart to think that he could just simply let me go without feeling a drop of remorse, regret, or pain. He must have known how I would feel. Right?

None of that matters. Whatever makes him happy works for me. It may not work right now, because of the hurt it has caused. But once again, I can't dwell on it all anymore. It's time to move on. Life is way too short.

Keep in mind, folks, that no matter what has happened to you in the past and even now, you can't let it rule your life. Doing that will only bring you down, and cause you to waste so much time on the small stuff. Sure, the problems may have been life-changing or large ones in your opinion, but you can't let it surround your life and the decisions you make. Waste not a moment of your life. If you do, you will only regret it later.

Time to pick up the pieces.

cool thought.

2008-10-13T13:02:00.004-05:00

I had a cool idea last night. I was taking a break from dancing and playing with the screen saver setting on my phone. I happened upon the pictures of the gorgeous sunset Courtney, Jake and I witnessed on our way to west coast swing. I decided to make one my screen saver. My current wallpaper is a light blue ribbon, which is the ribbon for thyroid cancer. I then compared the two, and labeled the ribbon the "burden." The sunset was "peace." You know how sometimes you leave your phone for a while, and when it goes idle your screen saver pops up? The statement that seemed to run through my head was "where there are burdens, there peace is also." What a great thing to remember. Just minutes before I was feeling my neck and getting extremely upset over the stupid lymph node that keeps bringing up so many problems. Then I saw the screen saver and felt a sense of peace. I can only hope that I can be at peace once the testing is all over.

dreams.

2008-09-25T22:38:00.002-05:00

Dreams are a pain in the butt, especially for me. I can't stand how they can always leave someone wanting what they entailed. I'm going to pour my heart out here, so bear with me.

I dreamed I was out with friends, and I lied about where I had gone. I was secretly going to spend the evening with my ex. Well, we ended up together, and then he pulled one of his lovely tricks on me like he did in high school. After that, I became really hurt and upset, and then the dream shifted to me reading the school newspaper, and there was an ad dedicated to me from him, telling me how sorry he was for what he'd done, that he loved me and he didn't mean to hurt me. Then he popped the question in the ad. I looked up from the paper and there he was. Of course, I had exclaimed "yes" and hugged and kissed him. The dream kind of shifted again to more drama, and then I woke up.

I'm vague because I don't want people to recognize who this is about. If you know me well enough, you'll know who it entails. But really, I hated this dream. It made me happy, but then it made me long for its ending. I realized after that dream how much I really want to be with him. But, unfortunately, that can never happen. I hate reality and hate how I can never take the chance I want to take. He'll never care for me in that way anymore, and my heart aches because of it. I know that I can move on and find someone else and be happy with them, but I'll never get over him. He knows it, but does he care? I doubt it. I hate to think so badly of him, but in all honesty, I don't think it ever crossed his mind.

I guess all I can do is dream for the rest of my life. What a sad thought.

contemplations. grr.

2008-09-16T22:33:00.004-05:00

There's something that is seriously upsetting me these days, and I really need to let it out. I figured this would be a good place since I haven't vented here in a long time, or even updated for that matter.

I have a friend of mine who I've known since we were in high school. She's very interesting. Her personality is very...unemotional, really. She just doesn't show her affection much. When she does, I never see it done toward me. It pisses me off a little, because it makes me feel like she doesn't care about me. Let me explain.

Lately, she (let's call her Mary) been very cold toward me. It's not fair, really. Two weeks ago, a group of us from my college went to swing dance, which is a big thing for us. It was the first week that all of us were back in town and all, so it was a huge deal. At one point, I leaned on my friend's shoulders from behind her and whispered something in our friend's ear, and she replied "stop" to what I was saying, and Mary snaps to me "she means stop leaning on her!" This just had me taken aback, and I said to her, "You don't even know what you're talking about," which she didn't. She didn't reply, of course.

I wore a somewhat low-cut shirt that night, and when my dance partner dipped me, my shirt went awry. As I was fixing it, Mary yelled to me in passing "your chest is hanging out!" I yelled back "Mind your own business!"

Then we were at swing dance last Friday, and when she came in everyone gave her hugs. She was smiling and hugging people back, then when I stand up and go to give her a hug, she says "Oh hi" and her smile fades a little, and she hugs me as if I'm just an awkward acquaintance. I said, "oh wow" and just looked at her. I then asked, "what was that?" And she just looked at me with an odd look, as if she knew but didn't want to show she did know what I was talking about (if that sentence even made sense). It was strange.

Then today I see her outside at school. I came over and said hi, and she looked me up and down and said "oh wow." She had never seen me in my scrubs before (I work for a doctor). I said, "I work for a doctor, Kristy. I need to wear these." And she said, "oh yeah." And then turned back to whomever she was talking to, acting like I never came up to talk to her. I was slightly taken aback, but then I said "I won't be at ballroom club tonight, my grandmother's in town." She just replied with a "oh ok, cool." I said I'd see her Friday at swing dance, but then she said that she wouldn't be there and that she was hanging out with "the girls." I said "oh, ok, well bye." And before I could even finish my goodbye, she had already turned back to that person.

She just makes me so angry. It pisses me off that she just shuts me out and away like that. I don't mean to sound cocky here, but I'm a damn good friend to have. I don't ever betray people, I'm honest and I love each friend and am very good to each one. I make my mistakes, sure, but so does everyone else. It happens. I just don't understand why she does it. I'm this close to telling her to go screw off and leave me be. Doesn't sound half bad, does it?

busy month.

2008-07-22T23:38:00.002-05:00

It's insane right now. I'm sorry if I'm not updating as much as I should. I seem to be either writing about drama or nothing at all because of my busy schedule. This month really has been slightly nuts. It's a little bit depressing. I apologize, folks. :)

So I'm going to go meet Idina Menzel tomorrow at her concert in Richmond, Virginia. :) I'm so excited! I can't believe it's even happening. I won the meet and greet drawing for my friend Hayley and me to meet her! How sweet is that?! She's such an amazing singer and actress. I just am in awe of her.

I'm going to be going to Florida to visit my grandmother on Saturday. I'm really psyched! My cousin, Lindsey, will be heading down as well, but she's arriving there on Friday. I'll be meeting up with them on Saturday. Lindsey leaves on Wednesday, I believe, and I'll be staying until that Saturday. Honestly, I really see no point in going down there only to come back a few days later. May as well spend as much time there as I can! I miss Cookie so much; I'm so glad I get to finally see her. It feels like it's been forever! And honestly, it kind of has. I haven't seen her since September last year! Yep, we've been overdue for a meeting. :)

I'll update either after I get home from the concert tomorrow or when I come back from my vacation! I hope everyone has a very blessed weekend and week! Much love.

apology.

2008-07-08T17:58:00.003-05:00

Hey everyone! I'm so sorry for being so emo the last couple entries. I've been upset about a lot of things, and am just getting it all out. Writing about it and not thinking about what I'm writing makes me feel better and not like I want to scream at people.

I'm relieved to be home from vacation. It was so dramatic and full of complications. For the most part, it was a good time. My brother's girlfriend left on Saturday instead of on Monday; they broke up that day. I'm pretty happy about that, to be honest. She was just a trashy piece of work that didn't deserve my brother. She made everything so complicated and was not the girl she always told my brother she was. I'm happy he's rid of her, and happy that he's happy without her.

I hope you all can forgive me, and take care of yourselves. :) I'll be back around when there's more to report or vent about. ;)

vacation drama.

2008-07-03T22:55:00.003-05:00

I honestly am extremely sick and tired of my mother's crap. All she's been doing during this crap vacation is bug me for information about my brother's girlfriend, Kimmie. She confides in me about their relationship and wants advice on what to do. She considers me and my sister confidants about Kyle, and all my mother wants to do is complain and twist my words around to what she thinks Kimmie said. It's absolutely ludicrous. She keeps bringing up crap that doesn't have much to do with what Kimmie talks to me about, and then when I snap at her for not listening and just thinking the worst about her, she gets up and says "I thought I could actually talk to you about her, but I guess I can't talk to you at all." What the heck is that? She can talk to me, she just needs to back the heck off when I tell her I can't/don't want to tell her every little thing about what Kimmie tells me. Sure, my family hardly knows her, but that doesn't mean she has to know everything she talks about. If it's something my mother needs to know, she should know that I would tell her in a second. Buuuut, no. I'm always the bad guy in the scenario. To be completely honest, I'm hating this vacation so far, and I really can't wait to get back home.

unfinished business

2008-06-28T18:28:00.003-05:00

I'm sick of unfinished business. I'm tired of being stomped all over without any reason. Every single time it happens I feel like my entire insides are being ripped out of me. It hurts. I can't stand how it feels, and I want answers. I want to know why I'm such an easy target. I want to know why people feel they can do this crap to other people. I want to know how people can even do what they do without feeling any regret.

I thought when an old boyfriend shut me out I'd get over it. I'd move on, I'd let it go. I didn't. I still feel hurt sometimes over what happened. I found him after 4 years, and wanted to get in touch again, start fresh as friends. He didn't respond, didn't bother to do anything. Completely shut me out. Again. I can understand why, and that's OK. I just felt like there was unfinished business there, which there probably wasn't. I'm probably just insane.

Now someone else has done it. Only he's completely ignoring me now, and I have no idea why. Right when we were about to become something, he just drops me without saying why. One sentence and he's gone. "Hun...I can't do this anymore..." And that's it. End. Finished. We were friends for over 8 years. EIGHT! And then he just leaves me without a trace. He ignores my phone calls. Doesn't get on MSN anymore because he knows I use it. He has almost completely removed me from his life.

What had I done? What happened? What is it about me that makes people just...leave me? No reasons...no warning...

I've been so strong about so many things...and now I don't know how much longer I can hold it in...Please pray for me, folks...please.

loneliness.

2008-06-23T01:09:00.004-05:00

Eating: Nothing.
Drinking: Milk.
Listening to: Sirens - Angels & Airwaves
Thinking: About how interesting loneliness feels.
Feeling: Lonely.

Yeah. I know the whole deal about never being alone because I have Christ. Well, it's kind of difficult to not feel alone ever. We're all human, and we all will, by default, feel human emotions. The past few days, I've felt pretty lonely.

I hadn't felt this way for a long time since I was with Seth for so long. It's funny how that is; now I feel horribly lonely. I have my friends, and I've talked to a few and hung out with a handful this summer so far. But honestly, since school ended and Seth and I broke up, I've been pretty lonesome. Some people don't answer their phones nor return my phone calls. I also don't call quite a few people because I'm nervous about the conversation going awkward or into a brick wall. I know my friends sometimes don't intentionally ignore my phone calls or call me back, and that's fine. I understand it. I just really feel lonely, and I hate it. I hate being cooped up in my house. If I had my license (yes, I'm almost 20 without a license. Keep quiet) I'd be out of here a lot of the time. I want to go out with some friends and take a long drive through the rural areas around my town. I want to stop looking at my phone's clock for hours on end and not give a darn how much time has passed. I want to just not care.

Sometimes I wish I were apathetic. Then I wouldn't feel so bad if someone didn't call me back or answer their phone or my text messages. Then I wouldn't wonder if I was being avoided or if something bad happened. I wouldn't feel hurt or upset by the intentional or unintentional actions of my friends. I just feel like no one gives a darn about me. I know that's crap, you all don't have to comment on that. But really, sometimes the way people respond (or don't respond) makes me feel those things.

I should do an experiment. I should turn my phone off for one full day and see if anyone contacts me. I'm usually the one to call or text someone, so I'm curious to see if I'll get anything. Not many people read this dumb thing, so it'll be interesting to see what'll happen. I've turned my phone off for hours on end before, and I've gotten nothing. Maybe sometime I'll not call or text anyone for a week and see how many phone calls I receive that are just-to-talk phone calls. Let's see how far that gets me. Haha.

I'll do that tomorrow. I'll not call or text anyone, and let's see how many calls/texts I'll get. I just remembered I can't turn my phone off because then I can't get the calls. I can get the texts, but not the phone calls. I'll report the data back tomorrow.

God bless, y'all. Pray for me, here. I'm going to lose it.

major update. :)

2008-05-23T09:41:00.006-05:00

Eating: Nothing yet.
Drinking: Starbucks Frappuccino, one of those store-bought ones.
Listening to: Nothing.
Thinking: I need to be in South Carolina right now.
Feeling: Worried.

I'm so sorry I haven't updated lately; it's been a crazy semester. A lot of crap has happened. I'll try to go chronologically, but my memory sucks, so it may be jumbled.

I got my blood work done in March, and everything is great! My thyroglobulin is normal, which basically means that they couldn't detect any cancer. If there is any left, it'll have to infect something before we can do anything else about it. Then, more surgery will have to happen. But, so far, I'm free! :)

Hmm, I went to the Chesapeake Regional later on in that month, and it was wonderful! I volunteered for Saturday, and it was such a good time. I hope next year I can volunteer for all three days. But we'll have to see.

April was kind of a bad month. Seth and I broke up in early April (I'm fine, people, no sweat). We're on OK terms though, which is good. I hope eventually we both can be friends. In the meantime, I don't know if I'm quite ready for that.

Classes ended with a bang. I only had 3 official finals...two were actual exams and one was a take home exam. I so far have two A's, one B, and a B-. I'm waiting on my last class, and the worst one I had. Oy. We'll see how that goes. On a bigger plus side, I got accepted into my major, so now I'm officially an Adult Special Education/Secondary Education English student! :) So far, from what I've seen on my schedule, only 2 other people are in my classes. This should be fun. Let's hope they're nice.

Summer's getting off to a blah start. I'm kind of wanting more stuff to do; I'm so bored! I work until 4:30, then it's anyone's guess what I do from then on. So far I've had some things to do, but not much. I am, however, planning on heading to South Carolina, Florida, and New Jersey to visit people. And I'm having people come visit me. So this should be good fun! I'm also going to Busch Gardens and Water Country again with my family in Virginia. I kind of want to go, but it's sort of gotten old for me. I went twice in a month last year, and we've gone a couple times before that. But ah well, life works in funny ways.

Our choir instructor at church put me in Praise Team! :) I'm so excited! Basically, only a select few people are in Praise Team (two men, now three women, and two guitarists with our pianist), and she picked me to be in it! I sang for the first time with them on Sunday, and apparently I did well. I'm really excited; I really want to be more proud of my voice and not all paranoid and ashamed of it. I don't think I sing all that badly, it's just I've always been so self-conscious that it ruins me when I'm in public. Ah, well. This is my chance to get over all that nonsense!

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend, and I promise to keep writing in here. :)

Much love and God bless!

major update and rant.

2008-02-10T00:19:00.002-05:00

Eating: Nothing.
Drinking: Milk.
Listening to: Nothing.
Thinking: Gosh I'm pissed.
Feeling: Angry.

So before I get to the real reason why I'm posting, let me update based on what I've posted before:

My surgery went very well. The surgeon removed 29 out of 60 lymph nodes, and 2 of them were cancerous. Sooo, we were right in assuming the stuff that showed up on the scan was more cancer. Now I need to get blood work, and all is good. I'll update when I get the results and such.

So now I may have an allergy to something. I got a whole crapload of hives on Wednesday, and my family and allergist suspect it's from the sushi I ate Tuesday afternoon, so I have to get blood work in about 2-3 weeks, then see my allergist to get the results 1-2 weeks after the blood work is done. So yeah. The hives are now everywhere, and I'm banned from seafood, sushi, avocado, soybean (which I know I'm not allergic to), and latex. Apparently if one is allergic to avocado, latex is also an allergy. My sister claims this is bullcracker, but we'll soon see.

So, I have a good story for y'all. Basically, last night, my friend Kristy came to get me for swing dancing. She told me to show her my hives, so I hiked my leg onto the dash (yeah I know) and showed her. When I pulled my leg down, my heel scraped the plastic dashboard cover, and left a small black mark on it. She flipped, so I went and got alcohol (again, I know), and used Q-tips to try and fix it. It made it worse, obviously. So, I told her I'd pay for it. Well, all night she told people that we've both had a bad night, and it started with her car. Gah. She didn't need to go and do that. Then today I called and asked her if she called the dealership to see if they'd paint it/replace it. She said no. I asked if she told her dad. She said yes. I mentioned that my plans were cancelled today to go out, and I was home all day. She said "Oh, well then YOU could have told my dad." I said to her that I didn't know I had to, and that she said she would. Well, she got huffy and said that the place would have to keep it for a few days to fix it, and because of me she's being inconvenienced. I told her she could do it on spring break, and she cut me off and repeated herself, then I tried to explain to her that I didn't do it on purpose and that I'd pay for it, and before I could finish she says "BYE" and hangs up. So I texted her and said exactly this: "Fuck you. You pay for it then. I offered to pay for my mistake and you have to be the bitch. Go to hell."

So yeah, I haven't heard from her since. I honestly am so angry right now I could spit. Before, I was crying like crazy, and now I'm just pissed. I know the text message was probably harsh, but the LAST thing I needed was all this drama, especially when it wasn't necessary. I pay for a lot of things when she and I are out, like movies, food at the movies, swing dancing, food/drinks at the diner, etc. So, this is how she treats me. It's a car. Shit is going to happen to your car, no matter how much you may try to protect it or do to it. A car will rot and eventually go kaput. A person will too, but a person has feelings, a person will be there for you, a person is real. She chose her car over a friend she's had for 5 years. Fine, Kristy. Go ahead. You'll regret it.

wow, it's been too long, people.

2007-11-14T14:24:00.002-05:00

Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Water
Listening to: Nothing
Thinking: How tired I am
Feeling: OK.

There's much to tell.

So I had the PET/CT scan done, and it turned out there is a cancerous lymph node in the left side of my neck; the same one my endocrinologist biopsied. So, since the treatments didn't do jack for it, I have to get it removed.

I thought at first, from what my surgeon told my sister the next day, that I would only get that one removed, plus the one directly above and the two directly below it. Well, boy was I wrong.

I saw my surgeon on Monday, and he told me that he would remove 22 lymph nodes (including the cancerous one), and it would be about a 2 hour procedure. He said the only risks with this surgery are nerve damage, bleeding and infection, all of which are uncommon if not rare. I'm not too concerned about the surgery, I'm just not looking forward to going under and the feeling I get when I wake up. Bleh.

I'll be in the hospital for about two nights, but if I feel good the next day then I can go home. Woohoo! Unfortunately, I'll have drains for 5 days after the procedure...goodie goodie!

The date is November 30th at 1pm. Pray, please and thank you!

goodbye, friend.

2007-10-08T16:22:00.002-05:00

Eating: Nothing.
Drinking: Water
Listening to: Richard Marx - Heaven Only Knows
Thinking: "I really want to talk to him."
Feeling: Hurt

So a close friend of mine broke off our friendship last week. He essentially left me wondering what the hell just happened. Here's the jist of what happened:

He sent me an e-mail of a picture of my boyfriend that wasn't kosher. So I sent him an IM saying he was a moron. Then he IMed me back later saying I had to have found it a little funny. I said no, not really. In a nutshell he said that I was a problem to him. I told him to not even bother talking to me until he decided to be a friend to me for once. He replied with this: "I'll be sure to hahahaha." WHAT?!

I told a mutual friend of ours, Christine, and she heard how hysterical I was and she called him to see what was going on. He said that I took everything too seriously (which I admit I do sometimes), and that he has too many problems to handle mine. Well, for one, I've never asked ANYONE in my life to handle my problems. I carry mine, I just vent to people who want to listen. I only vent when they say I can. He always tells me to come to him when I need to vent or help with something. I haven't lately, which confuses me as to why he said that.

He hasn't talked to me at all since. I've wanted so badly to call him and hear him say, "Gotcha!" I want to see his name on my caller ID, to have him call me with a funny story from work or a clip of Veronica taking a 911 call with her New York accent. He always knew that made me laugh.

What hurts the most is Christine talked to him the other day, telling him my news in my previous blog entry, and all he said after a pause was, "I don't know what to tell you."

How can he be so callous? Did he really never care about me at all? Was the friendship all just one big lie?

I wish I knew the answer to these questions. I guess I'll never know.

not quite done yet.

2007-10-02T07:43:00.001-05:00

Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Water
Listening to: Godsmack - Voodoo
Thinking: "I really want my bed."
Feeling: Worn out and tired

So apparently I'm not in the clear just yet.

Unfortunately, my thyroglobulin levels were a smidge higher than what my doctor prefers, so she had me get an ultrasound last Monday. Turns out there was a lymph node that was a centimeter wide and looked suspicious. My doctor took a biopsy (well, four) of it, and sent it to pathology on Thursday.

The results came back yesterday, essentially saying that there was no thyroid tissue or diagnostic cells present in the samples sent.

So, the next step is a thyrogen-stimulated PET/CT scan, which will determine if there's anything in my body that looks suspicious. I will be getting two injections over the course of two days, then the third day I will receive the scan itself. The scan is about an hour and a half long (ohhhh joy). I pray I can take my iPod in (doubtful). Hey, it's worth a shot. ;-)

This scan won't happen for about 2 weeks since this type of scan is expensive and my doctor needs to get approval for me to receive the thyrogen and the PET/CT scan. Woohoo (spoken of course with disdain and dissatisfaction)!

That's the update on me medically right now. School, however, is another story.

It's kicking my ass.

ENGL 251 (Grammar) is simple enough, I just need to actually study the terms. I just took a test today that I had completely forgotten about and I forgot a majority of the material. I think I did well though, oddly enough.

SOCI 101 (Sociology) is really bugging me. Right now I have a C, and I'm not pleased. I need to study better for the next test, not to mention keep up with the stupid readings. Bleh.

PHSC 101 (Physics)...eh. The workbook is too easy. It's almost like it was written for middle school students. It's kind of pathetic, but the professor is nice and cuts us some slack sometimes since the class is two hours and 45 minutes long.

PSYC 101 (Psychology) is painfully easy. I looked over my notes the night before and the morning of the test and I managed a B on the test. If I study a little more I'll probably get an A. The professor gives us the notes in class, and tells us to read the book. Well, the notes are pretty much what she tests us on. I don't even need the book, really (damn, that's $35-50 out the window).

COMM 131 (Public Speaking) isn't as bad as I thought. I just gave my first speech yesterday, and it went very well; I was surprised. The readings are common sense, and there's a lot of it. We're supposed to have read chapters 5-11 and 14. I haven't gotten past 5. Yick.

So that's my update on everything. Other than all this madness, I'm fine. :)

God bless!

heaven.

2007-09-07T09:44:00.002-05:00

Eating: Nada
Drinking: Water
Listening to: Nothing yet
Thinking: How great it feels to be alive
Feeling: Amazing

Well. I feel amazing.

Why?

I'm cancer-free.

busy week.

2007-08-31T17:56:00.001-05:00

Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Nothing
Listening To: Gimme More - Britney Spears (don't ask)
Thinking: How much homework I have, woo.
Feeling: Decent.

So this was the first week of school. Not too bad, really. I just have a lot of homework, which bites. I have an applied grammar class, Sociology 101, Psychology 101, a public speaking course, and Physics 101. Looks like psychology and sociology will be giving me the most trouble as far as work goes, but I do have a lot of reading for the public speaking class as well as sociology and psychology. I'm not looking forward to taking ALL of my books with me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It really isn't fun...heavy books.

Anyway, here's an update on my Weight Watchers journey; I gained the last two weeks, but this week I lost what I gained last week. I gained 1.2 lbs three weeks ago, then gained 1.4 lbs last week, and now I've lost the 1.4 lbs. So, I have 1.2 lbs left, then another 1.2 lbs until I hit my 25 lb mark! :) I'm very excited. I aim to hit that in the next 2-3 weeks.

As far as my health goes, my blood work came back perfect, so I'm ready for my scan on Thursday the 6th. I'm so nervous! I really hope this cancer's gone; I want to live my life! Worst case scenario is I have to go in for a minor treatment, then come home and stay away for 2-3 days. Not a big deal, but I really want to go to this concert on the 8th. I hope I can go!

Pray for me y'all!

a little frustrated.

2007-08-22T11:43:00.002-05:00

Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Diet Peach Snapple
Listening To: Nothing yet
Thinking: How stressed I'm starting to get and school hasn't even started
Feeling: OK

This is getting to be what I've felt and done the last two times I've had to go through the prep stages for treatment. The first time was blah because I was in driver's education while on the low iodine diet and had no medication, so I was slightly out of it half of the time in class. The second time they didn't have my radioactive iodine dose, so they had me take the equivalent -- 25 pills of lesser radioactive value. This time, they scheduled both my radioactive iodine dose and my scan during classes! They scheduled my dose for noon on Wednesday the 5th (15 minute before one class is over), and the scan for 10am on the 6th (halfway through another class). The class on the 6th I may have to leave early anyway so I can get there and get the scan, since the scan usually takes about 40 minutes or so, and the class following starts at noon (annnd it's a lab). See the pickle I'm in?

I'm going to be calling my doctor's office around 1pm or so to see if I can just shove these things forward just a little so I can have them when my classes are done. Oy, this will be fun.

drama, yay.

2007-08-21T20:55:00.001-05:00

Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Diet Coke
Listening To: Dishwalla - Counting Blue Cars
Thinking: A lot of things
Feeling: Hurt

I'm just about to explode, and no one is around to talk to, so I guess I can vent here.

Just warning you; what you're about to read may be pretty bad and angry, so just bear with me or don't read. I really do want comments though, so feel free to do so if you so choose.

My friend Scott and I are close. Well, we used to be. He'd call me all the time, talk to me whenever about anything, ask me for advice, etc. I'd do the same with him, too. All of a sudden, he acts funny. He doesn't talk to me now...he just stays away. He has two jobs, which is hard to juggle, which I completely understand. But the last two times I've seen him, he's acted so weird around me. It's not that he likes me (he doesn't), or that he dislikes me (he doesn't), but I don't know what it is. Our mutual friends, Christine and Mike, were talking with me earlier and said how he's been asking them if they've noticed the changes in me. Changes? What changes? Have I changed in a year (If you answer this question, be honest...don't lie to me)? Yes, I was bitchy the last time I saw them all, but in some cases it was for good reason, others I was just being a baby.

What I just don't understand is he's been talking with them (well, Mike at least) for about a year now (off and on, not all the time) about how I've changed and how he hates Seth, etc. and he doesn't talk to ME! There's something seriously wrong with this picture. I called him up last week after talking with Christine, asking if everything was OK between him and I, and if he needed to talk with me about anything. He said no as if I was crazy or paranoid. He told me to calm down.

That last statement is a major problem, because he just recently talked with both Christine and Mike on Sunday, and was apparently over analyzing everything. He was talking about all the possibilities of what could be wrong with me, of why I've been acting the way I have, etc.

I'm just hurt...very hurt. I told them and myself I wouldn't talk to Scott until he talked to me. It's proving to be a lot harder than I thought.

Comments? Suggestions? Help?

vacation 2.

2007-08-19T20:59:00.001-05:00

Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Water
Listening To: Nothing yet
Thinking: How happy I am to be home!
Feeling: Decent

So the vacation wasn't as awful as I thought. Some times there was something going on that was a bit insane, but ah well.

Williamsburg was a great time! We went around and such, the usual craziness. Went to Busch Gardens and Water Country. Basically it, but it was still fun. Seth got on Griffon, which I think he was personally crazy for doing, but I'm proud of him! He's got...well, you know what I mean. ;)

So, I go on the low iodine diet tomorrow. Not too happy, but that's OK; I'll get through it, like I always do. It's just one of those annoying milestones. This time is always better than previous times, because we always know more/better than we did.

I'm slowly getting more tired and worn out. Either it was because of how much we were moving around this weekend or because my body's slowing down. It's hard to tell; I think I'll be able to see more of a change in the next week. I'm hoping to keep up working, but I'm not sure yet. I do still want to preserve my energy for school; man will this be difficult!

Finally home, and feeling pretty good. I'm hungry but I don't feel like eating anything; it's one of those weird things you feel when you're tired and just drained.

OK, rambled on enough. Updates coming later! Oh, and check out my beloved friend Jeannette's blog: http://jhonotjlo.blogspot.com/ It's just as amazing as she is!

vacation.

2007-08-16T22:29:00.001-05:00

So already vacation isn't looking good.

I swear, no one listens to me and everyone just finds everything I do a problem.

God help me.

sad realization.

2007-08-14T18:50:00.002-05:00

Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Water
Listening To: Nothing
Thinking: How much I miss Opa.
Feeling: Okay.

So just now I was singing a song and wearing my Opa's shirt. After a second I thought of what day it was, and realized it's my Opa's birthday. He would have been 81 today.

How strange it is still, even almost two years after his death. I still cry whenever I sing the song I just sang (Show Me the Meaning [of Being Lonely] by Backstreet Boys), and it hurts a little more knowing it's Opa's birthday.

I always thought of Cookie and Opa as just that: Cookie and Opa. Now that I'm getting cards from Cookie and they're signed just by her, it feels really...empty. I used to always love reading Opa's wacky handwriting, telling me all kinds of stories in cards.

I'm sorry if I keep blabbing about him everyone, it just was a tough loss to go through. He was the first person close to me, truly close to me, that died. The worst blow that comes with it is that I wasn't there...I only saw him 9 months before he passed, and even then he looked very well, only he was going blind in one eye.

I sleep with the tiger Cookie gave me every night; it was a gift given to him by one of the nurses when he was in the hospital weeks before his death. He was blind either right before or right after that. I also have his official G.WIZ polo that he wore a lot; it's a faded black now. It still smells like him...I hope it never loses that smell.

Cookie comes to visit in about a month. I'm really excited to see her...I'm glad that I'm seeing her more often than I had when I was growing up. The problem is, it'll be even harder to go through her death than Opa's.

wonderful day!

2007-07-25T20:41:00.002-05:00

Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Nothing
Listening To: Nothing
Thinking: How I hope to hit my 25 pound mark this week!
Feeling: Amazing

Yes, such a marvelous day!

First off, I went to work which was just another day. My sister and I then went to lunch with my cousin, her daughters (aka my younger cousins), a friend of the family's daughter, and my nephew. Afterward my sister and I went to run an errand for our boss, then to Marshall's to pick stuff up for my brother. Well, I was looking at a rack of clearance items with my sister and found a size 12 jean skirt. It was so cute; it had embroidered flowers on the sides. It was just adorable! I mumbled that it wouldn't fit me, but I put it up to my waist and it fit halfway around, so I tried it on. And lo and behold, it fit!!! I'm so happy!

Now, keep in mind that it was one item...odds are I can't fit into everything size 12...I'm still trying to fit into my size 14 jeans my mother bought me for Christmas last year! This just made my day! How awesome!

I also lost 2.2 pounds this week. w00t!

some thoughts.

2007-07-24T10:44:00.001-05:00

Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Water
Listening to: TV
Thinking: About how I don't feel like being at work...hah.
Feeling: Decent.

Well good day everyone.

So, I go off my medication on Monday next week, and start to take my other medication that will keep me feeling "normal" until the 13th of August. After that I won't have any medication, and will start to become hypothyroid.

I truthfully am not looking forward to it. I hated how I felt before, and every time I get worse. It's a horrible time, and I really am glad I was able to go 7 months without dealing with it instead of the 4-5 months before. If you don't know what hypothyroidism is, check out the symptoms here.

The low-iodine diet makes it worse, but I don't think I'll have such a horrible time after all. Every time it gets better, really. New foods to try, and all that kind of stuff.

The main concern I have is school. I may not be able to do as well as I would like, at least for the first two to three weeks. Yikes.

Wish me luck everyone! I'll update tomorrow to say how much weight I've lost this week.

Oh, and last week I lost 0.2 pounds, in case you didn't know. Apparently I lost a pair of flip flops, according to Seth. Haha!

treatment update. :/

2007-07-16T22:32:00.001-05:00

Eating: Nothing
Drinking: Water
Listening to: Vitas
Thinking: About turning in early.
Feeling: Okay.

I know y'all are so concerned about how I'm doing, so I figured I'd post what I really go through to prepare for a *possible* treatment.

Here's my deal: I will be off medication for 5 weeks instead of 6. The reason is because my doctor noticed how quickly I became hypothyroid, so she thinks I can go an extra week with my medication. Thank God.

The following is my schedule...woo!

-- Stop medication July 30th
-- Start Cytomel* on July 30th and stop on August 13th
-- Start the Low-Iodine Diet** on August 21st
-- Bloodwork on August 29th to determine how low thyroid hormone I am
-- Receive 5 millicuries of radioactive iodine*** on September 4th
-- Scan on September 5th, and if anything is seen in my scan, then...
(?)-- Admittance into the hospital on September 6th for RAI (Radioactive Iodine)

*Cytomel is a quicker-acting version of my regular medication that can help keep me "normal" longer.
**If you don't remember what this is, look at this page and scroll down to where it says "Avoid These Foods and Additives"; you're going to pity me...a lot.
***This is a very low dose, so I can be around people...just need to keep my distance; also, this dose is only for the purpose of "lighting up" any leftover tissues/cancer cells left in my neck (doubtful they'd be anywhere else) so they can be seen in the scan I get the next day.

Okay, I hope y'all are now better informed as to what happens before I get a treatment (if I need one). Now, all you gotta' do is pray I don't lose my mind and need a third treatment. Annnnd maybe a junk food basket for when I come home wouldn't hurt. *wink*

joisey. :D

2007-07-03T23:21:00.001-05:00

Eating: Nothing.
Drinking: Diet Coke.
Listening to: Vitas
Thinking: About how so far my week has been purty goooood. :D
Feeling: Worn out.

Yep. I spent 3.5 days in Jersey. :)

The first night I got there, it was pretty fun. Scott and I hung out for a while, all dorky and watching TV together. It was nice.

The next day we woke up and went to a local deli and had lunch (by the time we had woken up it was already noon). We ended up driving to where he works (volunteers) and talked with a friend of his from way back when. It was pretty nifty, he was a nice guy.

After that we chilled at his house for a while, then Mike and Christine (Mike is a friend from robotics through which I know Scott, and Christine is Mike's girlfriend) came over. We brought their stuff into the house (they were staying the night), then went out to Edison Diner. Good stuff, I tell you. We had an awesome time, and it was really great to be with them again.

After dinner, we went to Seaside and cruised the boardwalk. Mike and Scott wanted to go play Skeeball, so we went into an arcade-type place. Mike won a Batman for getting 30,000 points in one run, and they put their tickets together and got me a "Party Girl" shot glass, and Christine a Hopper Popper. Later, Christine and I got henna tattoos, and it was totally fun. I got a butterfly with squiggles on each side on my lower back, and Christine got a cute flower on her foot. A bit through, Christine was insisting that Mike buy her and I matching necklaces. I was like, nooo I can buy my own. She steered us into this cute little place, and we were walking around until the guys started to complain. Finally, we said "OK, if you're so upset we can't choose, let's see how good of a job you do." Scott ended up choosing a really pretty necklace with blue beading and random tiny seashells. It was gorgeous! We walked up with our necklaces and Mike was about to pay for mine when I said no, I'd pay for my own. All of a sudden, Scott pulls out a ten and gives it to Mike. I'm like, whaaat?! But I couldn't do anything about it, so I let it go and thanked him.

The ride back to Scott's was really amusing. We were playing an odd round of 20 Questions, then some game of which I can't remember the name, and just talking.

We all ended up going to bed at 5:30am, which was insane. I didn't sleep too long, I woke up around 10:45am. Yikes, right? Right.

I talked with Scott's parents for a while, and waited for them all to get up. After they got up we went to Moe's for lunch (good Mexican place), then took Christine back to Mike's house because she had to go to her great Aunt's wake. When Mike, Scott and I got back from taking her, we all crashed for a while. We all were exhausted, obviously. Mike and I woke up and talked until Scott woke up, then we met up with Christine after a little while. We drove around until we found a place to get food from (Subway, haha), then went back to Scott's house. We goofed off that night, basically being silly and weird. Mike did an impression of Scott and his teacher from high school by wearing Christine's glasses and her necklace.

We all ended up going to bed earlier that night...about 2:30am. I woke up periodically, but managed to get a good 8 or so hours of sleep. Christine had to leave early because she needed to go to her great Aunt's funeral...so Mike and I were up way before Scott, so we were talking until about 1:30pm when I finally woke Scott up. He was all upset because he went to bed at 7am. Yikes! :O So we all got ready and went downstairs and played Mike's Wii before Scott and I had to leave to take me back home.

So yes...that was my whole jam-packed weekend. There's more to the whole weekend, but it's not worth mentioning.

And ending on an awesome note: I got to my 10% goal (19 pounds) this past week and I also hit my 20 pound mark! To explain, last week I needed to lose 0.6 pounds to get to my 10% goal. Apparently this past week I did that and more by losing an extra pound, putting me at a loss of 20 pounds! This made my whole weekend/week complete.

Next up: Weekend at my Anne's house! <3

schools piss me off.

2007-06-26T12:37:00.002-05:00

Eating: Nothing.
Drinking: Nothing.
Listening to: Visual Cliff
Thinking: About how stupid school staffs can be.
Feeling: A little ticked off.

So, I'm tutoring a friend's son in reading and writing. I was watching him fill out his math book, and I noticed he writes some numbers backward. He also sometimes reads b's as d's. He also looks at the pictures and the words, and tries to connect the two, and will only say what the picture depicts. For example, the picture had people in it, and the word was not "people", it was another "p" word I can't recall; he assumed the word was "people" since the picture had people in it.

Becky (his mother) told me that his school changed their phonics system. He started the previous reading system, but before he could complete it, they switched systems.

I think people are really dumb sometimes. For one, this poor child is behind in reading, and he probably will just get pushed along grade by grade and then it'll be too late when he reaches middle and high school! Becky told me his entire class is struggling right now. How wrong and completely ridiculous is this?! They should never have switched in the first place! They could have at least waited until these children had learned it all and completed the system before switching!

I just hope Seth (the child) doesn't end up having dyslexia. I'm suspecting he might, but it also could be either too early to tell, or the fact that his school's staff is full of idiots.

long time gone.

2007-06-25T15:29:00.001-05:00

Well, it has indeed been a long time since I updated, and I'm sorry for that. A lot's been going on, and I also haven't really had much to blog about anyway.

So I truly despise men that cannot keep their hands to themselves. It makes me so angry it's disgusting. I'll explain.

So, I know a guy named Johnson. His first name is something else, but let's call him that. Whomever knows him will know who I am talking about. He was a nice guy when I first knew him, and he was pretty interesting. Then he started to get annoying. I could only handle the boy in small doses. Now, I can hardly stand him at all.

This past Friday, he called me at 1am. Thank God I was awake, otherwise I would have killed him. I was still ticked, because I had wanted some relaxation after a long night of dancing. So we're talking and he asked what I was up to the next day. I said my family was having a yard sale, and I would be outside helping out. He asks if he can come by. I said OK because I really didn't feel like explaining myself if I said no. So, he comes by around noon and hangs out until 4:30. I wanted to spend time with Seth (boyfriend), because he had come here to visit around 2:30. Beforehand, though, Johnson had his hands ALL over me. No joke, my friends. He kept running his fingers down my leg, arm, and he even kept putting his arm around my waist. I can't count how many times I had to smack his hand away.

And I hear he does this to other girls too. My friend told me about a girl named Megan that she took to prom with her to show her a good time. She was having a good time when all of a sudden when my friend and her were dancing with Johnson, he grabs her chest. She runs to the bathroom crying, and her boyfriend's friends saw it and started to yell at her. Finally, my friend stood up for her, and the friends were OK, but Johnson didn't apologize properly to Megan. My friend got very upset and cursed him out basically, and told him to apologize to her, not to her friends. He got an attitude with her, and she went off.

He also was very rude in telling me on the phone to call him when Seth and I break up. WHAT KIND OF CRAP IS THAT?!

Basically, I'm despising him right now. He claims he's a Christian and a strong follower, but he doesn't even honor women and their bodies. He doesn't ask for forgiveness, nor does he even honor the fact that we say NO.

Men, for the love of Pete, keep your hands to yourselves unless we SAY yes. Do not keep pursuing us if we are taken or not interested. It's a waste of your time and energy, not to mention it does not make us feel any better either.

brother issues. again.

2007-06-04T19:35:00.001-05:00

Eating: Weight Watcher pretzel thins
Drinking: Water
Listening to: Visual Cliff
Thinking: About why my brother is treated like he's still a fetus.
Feeling: Irritated

I have to vent this. My mother is insane.

Today, I was over my sister's with my parents and Mom was making my brother (Kyle) a plate of food (since he never leaves to get it himself, and Mom doesn't exactly get him to do anything), and she asked me to take it to him. I said I'll take it inside, but I won't take it up to him. She said to please take it up to his room or else it will get cold.

I didn't.

I haven't gotten slack for it, but I have a feeling my mother isn't happy with me. I wish I could just smack her and she'd come to her senses. Kyle doesn't need to be babied. He needs to be disciplined and get his butt kicked into shape. I'm just slowly losing patience here.

Mom is always telling me how it isn't easy for her. I wish I could tell her that it is. My father is saying to me that he just doesn't care anymore, that once he turns 18, he's out the door. I can see why; he's not doing anything! By that time if he's still being a useless slug he'll have to get a job, a place to stay, etc. If he ends up staying with me, he's paying rent.

I also really want to rip that computer out. It's the reason he's like this, and the worst part is, my mother doesn't see that. Neither does my father. It's really not fun to be the only person who knows what's happening.

God, help.

special day.

2007-06-01T16:53:00.002-05:00

So before I leave for Virginia I want to write something more personal and special.

As most of you may know, or not know, today marks exactly one year since I found out I had papillary carcinoma. I was thinking the past couple of days about what I would say about today. How would I react? What would I do? Who would I tell? Who would I share it with? Well, I decided I would share it with all of you.

I look back on how much I seem to have grown up the past year. I had to, really, there was no choice. I remember sitting in that office and just knowing something was wrong with me, and that that something would change my life forever. I remember only crying for maybe a total of ten minutes, and then bucking up and thinking "OK, what now?"

This year seemed more like ten years. I feel as if I've aged so much because of all the events. Two surgeries (one not related), two treatments, about five or six scans, and a lot of pills (hehe). It's unbelievable, really. I still am unable to truly comprehend all that's happened. I hate pinching myself and seeing that this is real, that my entire life did in fact change with just one blink of an eye.

I want to thank all of you for giving me the strength and encouragement I needed to get through all of this. You (yes, you!) mean so much to me, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you've done for me.

you win some, you lose some.

2007-05-31T14:09:00.002-05:00

Sorry it's been a while since an update, I've had quite a week.

My dad and brother-in-law are doing fine. They're much better; my father's driving now and back at work, and my brother-in-law is able to do whatever he wants to do, just needs to take it easy.

I had two of my wisdom teeth out on Friday. It was a royal pain, literally. I didn't feel anything after it was over, but when the novacaine wore off...yikes. So now I'm just healing and trying to get used to chewing without two back teeth, haha. I get the last two out on the 18th.

I didn't weigh in at Weight Watchers last week, but when I did this week I lost 3.8 pounds! I'm down 16.8 pounds now, and my current weight is 179 pounds. I have 2.2 pounds to go until I get to my 10% weight loss goal, which is 19 pounds. I think I can easily do that this week!

Overall, it's been a trying summer so far, but we'll see. I'm working more now, thank God. I might even end up getting part-time work at Chick-Fil-A. We'll see how that goes!

i wish...

2007-05-29T23:31:00.002-05:00

...people would actually be grateful for the things I do for them.

Hah. I'm just dreaming, that can't happen.

worn out.

2007-05-23T21:14:00.001-05:00

So the last two days have been extremely difficult. I'll give y'all the rundown.

My brother-in-law had surgery yesterday. His head and neck doctor found some follicular tissue in his thyroid near the nodules, and wanted to remove that half and send it to pathology. If it came back cancerous, the rest of the thyroid would be removed. Well, he has papillary carcinoma. Same as me.

It's a little coincidental that Michael and I both have the same type of cancer, especially since we both live right near each other. My mind is just as boggled as yours is.

His surgery did go well, though it did take a good three hours to complete. He kept complaining about the back of his neck hurting him (when you have surgery on your throat, they tilt your head back as far as possible so they can get a clear view and are able to do the job properly). The surgeon came in and saw us (he's my surgeon too), checking Mike to see if he's feeling well. He told my sister earlier that the cancer looked like it was encapsulated within the malignant nodule, which is good, meaning it didn't spread anywhere else and his lymph nodes looked good, whereas I had 6 removed and two malignant. Unfortunately, Mike still has to go through radioactive iodine in 6 weeks. I told him we'll have to get a picture of both of us together with our scars. ;-) The papillary twins!

Later on in the night last night his calcium level dropped, which is one of the risks involved in this type of surgery. The parathyroid glands control the calcium level, and sometimes they react badly to the thyroid being removed. So, alas, they caused his calcium level to drop. He was given supplements and checked on every hour. As a result, my sister didn't get any sleep, nor did Michael.

Mike's home now and doing pretty well. He'll bounce back in no time. I know from experience. ;-)

My dad had his surgery today. It wasn't a big deal, he just had some torn cartilage in his right knee (same as his left about two years ago), so he got that fixed. He's fine, and home, and on medication. :-D

So, that's basically it. I took a five hour nap today, and I'm still worn out. I'm glad I'm not working tomorrow...I need it to rejuvenate.

emotionally draining weekend...

2007-05-20T22:50:00.001-05:00

The weekend started out extremely rocky. Seth and I got into a small squabble Friday night, which ended fairly quickly. No big deal...

Saturday was the worst at some points. Seth and I went to see Shrek 3, which was so awesome, I loved it! Great movie. We went to lunch, which really was difficult. We got into a bigger fight, and I cried for a majority of the meal. We ended up settling things and then moved on.

After hanging out at my house for a few hours, we decided to go to the mall. Went fine until I saw an ex. Murray. It was an unexpected encounter, one I hope doesn't happen again. Luckily, he didn't say anything and neither did I. We were passing one another when we exchanged a glance. He had a blank look on his face when he saw me, so I don't know if he recognized me or not. When he passed by, I started to get a panic attack. I ended up fine within a minute or two, but the whole event was unexpected and...not fun. Memories flooded back, time rewound, questions swarmed my head. I could hardly think, hardly hear Seth asking me if I was okay.

Giving this much thought, I think the thing that bothers me most about the relationship between Murray and I (or lack thereof) is that we both have unfinished business. We never settled things, questions were never answered. On my part, anyway.

I guess some things are better left unanswered.

rest in peace.

2007-05-16T15:48:00.001-05:00

Mike Wade was a man I always admired and looked up to. He always had a smile on his face and looked at all of us robotics students with all the love in the world. He's the man pictured below on the right.

I first met him at the first Chesapeake Regional competition in 2003. Miss Jenny introduced me to him, and I immediately came to adore him. He was so gentle and kind, and very easy to talk to.

I was excited to see him again that summer, where he MC'ed the Maryland State Fair competition. He hugged me and was happy to see me. He took time out of his busy schedule those few days to talk with me. Later one of the competition days a team had a fundraiser at a Chick-Fil-A nearby. I hitched a ride with a few teammates. A guy there had been hitting on me, and later I found out he was also the Chick-Fil-A cow! He kept making me laugh and talking to me. He was very nice, but the whole situation was slightly humiliating. Eventually, the story spread and Mike Wade teased me about it during the rest of the competition. I was humiliated, but I also realized later on that he teased me with love.

Throughout the last four years I knew him, I was still the object of his jokes, but I never really minded. He always smiled at me when he would joke, and lovingly hug me to "comfort" me. He was one of few people I truly looked forward to seeing again every competition.

The Chesapeake Regional isn't the same without Mike Wade, and it never will be. No one will be able to take his place...he is truly missed.

I love you, Mike...Godspeed. I hope I see you soon.

RIP Michael O. Wade
May 12, 2007

Love always,
Dori

using people is so overrated.

2007-05-06T12:33:00.001-05:00

I apologize for all the rants people, but this is one of the reasons I created this blog. Not to mention, not many friends read this, especially the one about whom I will write today.

Plans. They're made in advance for a reason. It's a simple concept; when you make a plan, you either keep it, or have a reasonable excuse. Not contacting the person you made the plans with is not an excuse.

My "best guy friend" asked me if I wanted to go to a festival nearby today. I said I'd love to, and to let me know if he can actually make it. Now, I contacted him last night with no response. I tried calling him this morning with no answer. So, alas, the festival started 45 minutes ago, and I'm fuming.

This isn't the only time he's done this. There's been plenty of other times where we've made plans and he's broken them or not even contacted me to break them.

I thought for the longest time I had gotten away from being walked all over and used. Well, come to think of it, I've dealt with it more times than I thought. It hurts, and I really am tired of it. The guy even missed my 18th birthday party! He said he had a long day at work and fell asleep at home because he was so tired. Sure, he redeemed himself later, but he could at least call or text me saying he can't make it or he doesn't want to. It's better than just blowing people off.

I've wanted to vent to him for so long about this. It's about time I did, but I'm not contacting him until he realizes he did something wrong. Like all the other times.

health update. wooo.

2007-05-02T14:18:00.001-05:00

So I saw my endocrinologist today. She's basically my treatment doctor, in case y'all didn't know what an endocrinologist is.

To sum it up, she said that I can get my wisdom teeth taken out (there was a conflict with my thyroid hormone levels), I need medication for my panic attacks (I'll explain that in a bit), and that we're having another appointment in late June to discuss the schedule for the next scan, which will take place in September.

About my next scan; for those that did not know, I have to go off my medication six weeks prior, take Cytomel (basically a replacement thyroid hormone) for three weeks, then take nothing for the last three. Two weeks before my scan, I have to go on a low-iodine diet. That means no: dairy, processed meats, salt, soy, red dye, molasses, seafood, etc. Anything with iodine in it I can't have. So, essentially, I can have non-iodized salt, plain meat, rice, veggies, fruits, veggies, veggies, fruits, fruits, sugar, sugar...yeah, you all get the point. The day before my scan, I go to the hospital and take 5 millicuries of radioactive iodine (not enough to harm anyone) and go home. The radioactive iodine they give me that day will light up any thyroid tissues left in my neck. The next day I have my scan, which will determine if anything is left. Let's hope not.

Now, about my panic attacks. I've been getting them now and then for about a week or so. I got one that was pretty bad Saturday night, and I got another one last night. I basically feel like I'm going to die, I feel as if I cannot breathe, I get nauseated and nervous, and I am starting to get headaches with the attacks as well. I just hope when school is over they lessen in seriousness if not go away. I need to talk to my doctor about medication though, so that should help.

If it's not one thing, everyone, it's always another.

family trials.

2007-04-26T20:51:00.001-05:00

The whole ordeal with my brother is still going on. Oh, I know, big shocker. For those that have no clue, here's the basics:

My brother is sixteen years old; he's a video game fanatic. All he's done since he was in middle school was play his video games. Literally. When he would come home from school, that was all he would do. When he got into high school, things got much worse. He started to slack off on his homework and schoolwork; so much so that he would just not do any of it. At all. So, the result? My parents (stupidly, in my opinion) took him out of public school and put him into homeschooling for a heaping amount of money. Since January (when he was pulled out of public school), he hasn't done a lick of schoolwork. My parents haven't done a lot of anything to prevent it. All he does is stay up at ungodly hours and play World of Warcraft, then sleeping during the day. Mom and Dad have tried to have a teacher that's a friend of ours help him and get him on track, but so far, it's not working. They've taken him to see psychiatrist after psychiatrist, all of them basically not doing any good. One nutjob told my parents that taking the game away would be a bad idea. I think he's full of crapola.

The game is what got him into this mess in the first place. How do I know? Well, every time my parents have taken the game away from him, even for a short period of time, he did his make-up work. He caught up in every single class, and then when he got the game back, he'd fall back into that downward spiral. It's just shocking to me how my mother does not see this pattern.

What also bugs me to no end is how my mother treats him. He's the baby, so of course he's going to get more attention. Here's the funny part; he's sixteen and she does everything for him. She cleans his room (okay she's cleaned mine twice but only because I wasn't home to do it; I was in the hospital), brings food up to him, makes him meals (late at night), runs to get fast food for him when she knows there's food in the house he can make himself. When I tell her he needs to make his own meals and clean his own room, she tells me he's not like me, and he isn't able to. Uhhhh...well, he has two arms, two legs, and is a strong young boy (I don't say 'man' on purpose). He can very well take care of himself. I don't see why not. Then, she'll attack me, telling me how we all know I hate my brother. Hmm, the reason why I say the things I say to my mother is because I love him and want him to grow up to be independent, not living at home at 40 years old.

I wish I had all day to rant about this, because I really could. I should stop, however, because I have some work to do and I'm just mentally drained.

Do svidania! (See you later in Russian, hehe.)

team dinner.

2007-04-23T13:08:00.001-05:00

Well, as most of you may or may not know, I participate in FIRST Robotics, a program that raises awareness of science and technology. My team had a celebratory dinner last night. It started out very fun, and it was great to be there with Seth and have a good time talking to the parents and students. I truly missed the students; they're such bright individuals.

Later on, we had a discussion about what we liked and disliked about this past season. Afterward, the parents said that they mainly held this dinner to celebrate the mentors (me, Dan, Jay, Seth, Doru). PDag (one of three Pauls, we had to use their first initial and part of their last name to keep from confusing one another!) made a speech about me, saying things like how everytime he'd talk to me he'd walk away with a smile on his face, that I gave them the encouragement they needed to keep the team going instead of folding, etc. It just was so sweet, I swear I almost cried. Recognition like that was just something I never had experienced, so it was a complete surprise. They gave me a CD with videos, pictures, documents, and other stuff, a certificate with a small blurb on the bottom, and a big umbrella with TEAM [#] engraved on the handle. I think that definitely made my year.

So, I really should go work on my paper that's due on Thursday for English. I just wanted to "write" down that event. It's something I'll never forget.

stupid cho.

2007-04-20T09:44:00.001-05:00

I am beyond angry. That Cho kid was beyond crazy. He was more or less in need of being in a mental institution. Permanently.

A few things bother me about the whole thing. I've found out some very disturbing information about this kid. One was that he was in a mental institution previous to his going to school, but it wasn't put on his record! What kind of a doctor would do that?! Why in bloody hell would you not put something that crucial on a person's record, especially when it's quite obvious how disturbed Cho was. I just think these doctors a) did not take care of Cho like they should have, and b) did not put into consideration that other people could be in harm with this nutjob around.

Secondly, his manifesto video. Good Lord. It made me sick! He talked of how he died like Jesus Christ, a symbol for those that are weak and defenseless. I found this to be the most offensive, to me anyway. Number one, Jesus didn't kill himself. Number two, Jesus didn't kill anyone. Number three, Jesus wasn't sick and twisted. Number four, Jesus did good, not evil. Need I say anymore?

Thirty two people are dead because some kid felt he was "backed into a corner" and thought killing people would help him. He ended up murdering himself, which didn't exactly do much for him did it? Not to mention he said he did it for his "children, for his brothers and sisters." Well, Cho, you're dead, you can't have any children, thank God. They'd probably turn out to be even bigger nutcases than you. Also, Cho, you killed your brothers and sisters. They were your schoolmates, people you were united with under one nation.

Once again, everyone, I ask of you...take care of each other. Love one another. Don't do what Cho did, it does nothing but cause grief, pain, sorrow, death.

some thoughts.

2007-04-17T16:03:00.001-05:00

Before I go do some good ol' homework, I have some things I've been thinking about and want to write down on "paper."

In my English class today my teacher had us write a journal entry about why shootings like the ones at Columbine High and Virginia Tech happen here in the US. I wrote a lot of things, but I want to let this out, because it has been bothering me since the unfortunate event occurred yesterday.

I wrote in my journal about the fact that the student could have had some mental problems. It turns out that the student, Cho Seung-Hui was indeed on anti-depressant medication, and had shown violent behavior recently. Personally, I think that people like Cho need to be isolated from people until their medication has proven that it works. Events like this usually happen with untreated and, in this case, improperly treated people. The students who shot up Columbine were known to be troubled teenagers.

It troubles me that people are out there that could at any moment harm an innocent individual because they have their own issues. It also angers me that these people are usually let loose after being given medication, as if it is assumed that they will not do harm to themselves or others. Doctors should admit the patients that could become harmful to others or themselves, and wait until improvement is shown and they prove they will keep up with their medication. Then and only then should they be released to go about their normal lifestyle.

I also wrote that parents could also be the culprits. Think about it; some parents just neglect their children and allow them to do things that they should not, for example, drinking before 21 or partaking in drugs with "friends". Sometimes these parents beat their children and harass them, verbally, physically, and/or sexually. These happenings can usually cause these children to do such things.

Even peers could be of blame. I was teased throughout school until high school, but I was one of the fortunate ones that turned out to not be violent or abusive. Some people do not take the pain as well as I, however. Fights break out, people get hurt, schooling gets interrupted when the students are suspended/expelled, and families are affected when they have to send their children to counseling. The child's entire life is turned around, and so is everyone's around them.

Also, peers could be negative influences. For example, some "friends" of the child could tell them that drinking and taking drugs is OK, causing them to be sucked into a whirlwind of addiction, abuse, and possible violent behavior under the influence. A student could come into school under the influence, causing violence to strike when and if provoked.

My point, friends, is to be kind to one another. Know what is right and wrong. Love one another.

Today, we are all Hokies.

relay.

2007-04-15T15:01:00.001-05:00

So the relay rocked, other than the fact that it ended at 2am because of rain and the possibility of thunder and lightning. Here's how it happened beginning to end:

Kristy and I arrived at around 6pm on the dot, and I got roped into the Survivor's Lap while Kristy and I were looking for our team. After the lap, I went to find Kristy and we spotted our team members (thank God), and helped them with the tents. It was fun, Kristy and I got our own tent, and we were walking a bit. Joey came down and found us, and walked a lap with us. When we came back to the beginning again, Matt was there to see us. I gave him the biggest hug ever! I hadn't seen him since early last summer. It was so good to see him.

After that, we went into our tent, and Briana and her boyfriend Dan found us. We eventually decided to grab dinner with them all instead of the team and went over to Matt's dorm. We all watched YouTube videos and joked around. It was so fun! I love them, they're all so classic.

The problem with getting together with them, though, was that I kind of felt a little out of place. I never knew half of what they were talking about, and they all are band people. So, I kind of would sit there and ask "huh?" when I didn't know what something was. They'd have to explain, and it was just...well...not my scene. I never had felt that way around them before, so it was a tad bit depressing to me.

Around 11pm Kristy and I went back to the Relay, and we walked about a lap before Elliot found us and we walked a couple laps together just chatting and having a good time. We went back to our tent and he eventually left.

So we basically were just chatting and hanging out in the tent when our group "knocked" on our tent and told us they were closing the Relay at 2am because of the rain and possibility of thunder and lightning. They said they were leaving and going to take the tents down and such, and that we can stay with them if we wanted to. We called Joey and decided to bunk with him in his dorm. He came and got us and we walked to his dorm, and we hung out for a while there with his friends on his floor. It was really fun! They're all nice people.

Joey played a prank on us though. His friend across the hall IMed him playing as his girlfriend saying she was pregnant and she didn't want the baby. They went back and forth on it, and it was messed up...Joey was laughing and such 'cause he knew who it was, while Kristy and I are like, what in the heck is going on here?! Joey said he'd call "her", so he did....and I could hear the guy's voice...I said IT'S A DUDE! and Joey was like "SH*T", and ran to his friend's dorm room. I ran after the doofus! I smacked him so many times he's probably got bruises. What a jerko.

So we finally went to bed around 5:45am or so, and slept until noon. Came home about a half hour ago.

All I can say is THANK GOD I'M HOME!

this is bliss.

2007-04-11T22:29:00.001-05:00

So, I'm extremely happy.

I've been on Weight Watchers for a month now, and today when I weighed in, I've lost 10.6 pounds total! I'm so happy, I've just been on cloud nine. I can't wait to get down to my 10% goal (19 pounds), which is basically just around the corner! My overall goal is to be 135 pounds. At this point, nothing is stopping me.

When I started WW, I was 195.8 pounds. I have never and I mean never been that heavy in my life. My thyroid problems haven't helped either. I figured I needed to do something about this, since it's just pathetic. So, I am!

I'll probably be posting in here every week to speak of my successes/failures (hopefully more successes than failures), so bear with me if you're not interested.

As far as school goes, it's basically going. I'm trying to keep my grades up, and aiming for straight A's this semester. It's much easier to do that this semester since I had dropped a class earlier in the semester, bringing my class amount to four instead of five. So, it's much less of a workload and the classes are really great! All of my professors are nice people and laid back for the most part. It's great! So far I have an A in everything (I think) except for Math, which I'm bringing up as we speak. =] I'm feeling wonderful!

This weekend I'm doing the Relay for Life and am so psyched! If you all don't know what that is, go to the Relay for Life website (http://www.relayforlife.org) to find out more about it. It's basically a 12-hour thing where a team walks/runs/jogs for the 12 hours, and beforehand raises money to go toward cancer research. The whole event is sponsored by the American Cancer Society. Don't worry, I won't be walking all 12 hours...it's a eam effort. I'm really excited! Problem is, it's supposed to rain on both Saturday and Sunday. Blech. =[

I'll be back on Sunday around the evening to tell you all how it goes and maybe even post some pictures!

Until then; dasvidania!

welcome!

2007-04-10T19:12:00.001-05:00

Hi everybody,

Welcome to my new blog. As if I don't need a new one, but I have a blog (as you may have seen in my profile) which is specifically for my ISTC 301 class in college, and I figured I needed one for just me. So, here it is!

This blog will include all my inner thoughts, my life as it goes along, and, of course, my rants and raves.

If you don't know the story on me, well, here it is:

I am a Christian, and have been since I was 12 years old. I am now 18 and going to college to become an Adult Special Education teacher as well as an English teacher. It is a lot, but I am doing well so far! I'm excited to dive into the world of teaching.

My life was full of drama through my years; I was teased, sexually assaulted once, and attacked once or twice. As I got into high school, however, things took a turn for the better. I had great friends, and thoroughly enjoyed my extracurricular activities as well as my academic courses (well, some of them *wink*).

In my senior year, three days before my graduation, my life took a dramatic turn; I was diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer. Despite the fact that this cancer is less serious than practically every cancer that currently exists, it is still cancer, and I am still a young woman. It was difficult hearing the news, and worse probably for my family. I think they took it harder than I did!

At this point you may be thinking that I must be crazy to be talking about this so easily. Well, I've come to realize that life is definitely a windy road that sometimes can or cannot be controlled. Sometimes we all need a bit of faith and trust that we can make it through the strong turns without sliding off of the path. In my case, I needed more faith at that point in my life than I ever had.

I had my surgery on June 27, 2006, which went very well. I had my thyroid as well as six lymph nodes removed. Two of the lymph nodes removed were cancerous, so we knew that the cancer had indeed spread, but not very far, praise God. I was recovering very well from surgery, and nowadays my scar is barely visible. I don't believe in using scar creams to eliminate scars, especially this one. This scar shows what I've gone through, and the struggle I will face the rest of my life.

Currently, I have undergone two radioactive iodine treatments, both of which have gone very well. I am now waiting to get my next scan in July to see if the cancer tissues are finally gone. One can only pray they are!!

I also just had surgery on March 31, 2007 to remove my appendix. Apparently I had gotten appendicitis during my math class earlier that day! My body just loves the OR ;-)

As you can see, my life is quite eventful. There is only more to come, my friends. I hope you enjoy my blog, and will comment on things I have to say. I appreciate any commentary.

God bless, and welcome to Dori's blog.